this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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