I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize