So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
