You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
