my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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