If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I fill condoms, not promises.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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