Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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