I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
