Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
