I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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