I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
