wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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