I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
