So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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