why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
