Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
