Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
