There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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