I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
