Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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