the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
