i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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