Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
