I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
