my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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