Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
