I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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