I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
