The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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