like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
