listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
