That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
