where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize