Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
