there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
There r osticjed everywhere
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
