I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
