so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
