his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
