apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
