I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I wish I only lived at night.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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