I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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