Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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