remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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