hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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