Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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