Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
