two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
