Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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