mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
