Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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