just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
