Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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