Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
