i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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