His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Randomize
