the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
