She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
