i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
